Sometimes I still think I’m 22 years old. You see being 22 was a good year for me… from what I remember. I was old enough to truly believe that I knew what was best because I am no longer the juvenile age of 21, but I was still comfortably immature to know that I could still get away with being a fucking idiot. It’s only when inconsiderate dream killers get all up in my face and ask me what I am doing for my 30th birthday this year that I actually remember how disgustingly grown up I am supposed to be. I am supposed to be rich, married to a man with 2 kids living in a hot country. However I am poor, gay with no intentions to be married with kids, and living in a country where if the sun is out regardless of the minus temperature, dickheads take they’re top off like its Mardi fucking Gras! Am I living the dream… no. But am I having fun Forest Gumping my way to a better life with a student bohemian mentality… yes.
But I digress. Here are a few reasons you know you’re old but you’re just too scared to admit it.
You know you’re old when…
- You hear the date of birth of someone born in the 90s and can’t understand how they’re not a foetus.
- You tut out loud at kids in the cinema who are just trying to have a good time.
- You sign up to online dating and set your ‘looking for’ age specification from 23, only for your mate to call you a paedophile.
- You flick through the MTV channels and haven’t a fucking clue who any of the artists are.
- You wear ironic retro t-shirts only for your clown of a work colleague who is probably earning more money than you to ask ‘What’s the Goonies!’
- You still call your MP3 Player a Walkman.
- You think you can pull off leopard print skinny jeans but can feel the stare of the 17 yr old retail assistant mocking you as you pay.
- You get called ‘miss’ or ‘lady’ or 'sir' by a child and continue to ignore them because OBVIOUSLY they’re not talking to your hot youthful self.
- You get absolutely wrecked on 1 glass of wine and endure a 3 day hangover.
- You go on holiday and have packed a first aid kit instead of a jumbo pack of condoms.
- You actually use the words ‘can I speak to your manager’ when a customer service agent pisses you off on the phone.
- You no longer go drinking on a week day but opt for tea parties… with actual tea and not vodka in tea cups because you have no clean glasses.
- You are invited to birthday parties of your friend’s kids and are offered orange juice as a beverage.
- You feel the need to force your driving licence onto an unsuspecting employee at Tesco after they scan your alcohol WITHOUT asking to see some ID.
- You see a young couple being affectionate in public and you’re rolling your eyes and calling the innocent loved up girl a whore under your breath.
- You use the word 'we' just to include your partner in the conversation even though your friend has only asked about 'you'.
- Your 'going out' outfits are no longer cutting edge, stylish and totally inappropriate for the occasion, but purely dependant on the weather and how fat you feel on the day.
- You use words like 'crikey' and have a mortgage.
- You actually agree with your parents on current affairs.
- You try to be insanely funny but your jokes are as weak and as old as you.