Facebook Lies


Facebook is all about self-promotion. You know this… I know this… and your 729 Facebook ‘friends’ know this more than anything. How you say? Well because it’s them you piss off on a daily basis with your glamorous lifestyle. Dating back to pre-Facebook times (like IMAGINE?!) the only chance you had to ‘big yourself up’ to those who you rarely saw was if you happened to bump into them in Tesco on a Sunday afternoon. You know the drill… you probably look like shite because well… it’s a Sunday and you were out the night before so you stink of sleaze and debauchery as you aimlessly browse the shopping aisles in your velour tracksuit. And then over yonder just as you offload a jumbo pack of sanitary towels into your basket, you spot an old school friend and you try to avoid eye contact but alas… you’ve been spotted. The next 3 minutes of your life is then taken up with asking frivolous questions about family, friends and pretending you should meet up for a drink when you have no intention to do so. But amongst this you have the spotlight where it’s your chance to shine! It’s these crucial moments you lie your ass off or make your life sound so fucking amazing just so the old school mate doesn’t think you’re a massive pikey. So cue the flashing of engagement rings in their face and talking up your ‘big time’ job. Because nothing says happiness like banging on about your oh so exciting love life and having shit loads of cash…

But now my fine friends we don’t even need a shopping trip to Tesco to force our magnificent life down the throats of our so called friends who let’s face it… don’t give a shit. We can just login and update our status or upload ‘fun’ photos of ourselves to portray how wicked our lives are. I think it’s all a pile of crap. Like I dare you to tell me about your holiday one more time or just how perfect your boyfriend/girlfriend/baby/domestic life is… and no I refuse to comment on the pic you’ve just uploaded of your new flashy car. So clap clap! Yes you have a job… yes you are in a relationship and yes your holiday shits all over my pathetic excuse of a ‘weekend away’ BUT… Fuck. Off.

A lot of the time some of us will just straight up lie when it comes to status updates just to try and look 'cool'. "Oh my god I was sooo drunk last night! Great night out!" Eh... you had 1 Bacardi Breezer and you drank a pint of water afterwards just to be sure you wouldn't get a hangover the next day. And if a 'great night' means your partner made you cry because you were acting like a whore... then sure... great night indeed. Just be honest. If you had a shit night out don't try to swish it up and make it sound like ALL the fun was had. Instead just stop updating your status. When it says 'What's on your mind' treat it like a rhetorical question and leave it the fuck alone!

However like everything I say, I massively contradict myself on an hourly basis. Although I loathe the shite some of my attention seeking monstrous ‘friends’ post on Facebook, I can be found most days trying to steal all the limelight with my contribution to the social networking site. My friends and I often joke around and say ‘how can we make this situation all about me?!’ Like someone could be telling me a heart breaking story about their severely autistic child who has brain cancer and my sympathetic response would be “I thought I was autistic once!” But I digress…

Basically my point is, I will also try and throw snippets of my extraordinary lifestyle out there just so folks think I’m shit hot! It’s pathetic and kinda ugly.  BUT when you get 48 likes and 27 comments on your photos of you climbing Everest and that magical moment of you stroking a heavily sedated malnutrition tiger on that African safari you and your ‘perfect partner’ have just returned from… then honey that’s not pathetic… it’s #amaze!

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