Drunk Texting. Just Say No!



There is no doubt about it… drinking alcohol is cool. You look hot, your banter is amazing and honey your dancing is on FIRE! So when you’re stumbling like an invincible arrogant tosser across the bar into the smoking area/car park… why is it that you reach for your phone and feel the need to send a text message to a mate, loved one or the classic ex?! No seriously why… because I need to stop and I don’t know how!

Drunk texting your ex is superb. Because sending aggressive desperate texts are sure fire ways to woo your lost love back into your arms again. Right?!

I’ve actually always avoided drunk texting an ex so happy days! However I have been known to text an ex when completely sober which is a million times worse as I don’t even have a backup excuse of why I am being such a twat! If you send an SMS which reeks of desperation and self-loathing whilst you’re pissed on cheap vodka, you can at least arise the next morning in the safe knowledge that you were drunk and so it’s all good. Well… after you’ve thrown up from ‘The Fear ‘and self-harmed with a family size bucket of fried chicken. But do that shit sober… and you have no option but to admit yourself into rehab. But I digress…

When I’m drunk I usually end up texting my friends gushy as hell ‘I looooove you’ messages which is cringe by itself. I also find it hugely appropriate to try and hit on my mates whether they’re boys, girls, married with kids, straight, gay, bisexual… transgender. If I like you… then you’re getting ALL my love… and then some! However one of my favourite text messages received from a drunken mate consisted of him telling me (in great explicit detail) how much he would like to have sexual relations with a Black girl! What my race had to do it with it I have no idea… but my response was centred around a lot of nervous ‘hahas’ and ‘ no really I’m flattered’ as I reminded him of the fact that I have already been recruited into the homosexual lifestyle… and he is also a massive gay!

But drunk messaging is now so bloody advanced that they have audio messages… so not only can you drunk text… but just in case you haven’t already made a complete holy show of yourself… you can double up the mortification by sending vocal recordings of your drunk ass! Have you ever listened to yourself back on tape or a family wedding video recording… you sound awful right? Well take this embarrassment and quadruple that shit my friend, as the next morning you hit ‘play’ and hear yourself drunkenly slurring unfunny incomprehensible stories and background noises  to your mate at 3 in the morning.

‘The Fear’ is awesome too. And by awesome I mean it can encourage suicidal thoughts. You see I didn’t get what ‘The Fear’ was until a friend of mine broke it down for me. It’s basically that horrible belly churning, dry mouth, perspiring, shit as fuck feeling you get the day after the night before. You can also experience ‘The Fear’ on a Sunday night knowing you have to work the next day. However, usually it occurs when you have had colossal amounts to drink and can’t distinguish whether you were an absolute hilarious legend last night… or whether you simply pissed everyone off and tarnished your good name. Oh yeah… ‘The Fear’ is wicked.

You see… It’s not big and it’s not clever. Sending drunk messages to those who are not equally as hammered as you is like updating your Facebook status with tales of your baby or what you ate for dinner… NOBODY FUCKING CARES!

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