The Ex Factor


No this isn’t about a Lauryn Hill song (although what a tune!) and nope I didn’t get the spelling wrong for that piss poor ridiculous excuse for a music talent show… It’s plain and simply all about your ex. You know… that boy or girl or both from your past who you either look back on with a fond memories and warm feelings…  or horrific evil emotions enticing you to punch malaria infected orphans. Yes… the one who you really loved and probably still think about to this day. Generally a lot of us have an ex either the one who you made the decision to let them go for reasons unknown to you right now or the one who spectacularly broke your heart by text message...

One thing I have learnt by experience is that exes can’t be friends. Well not right away. Now I don’t wanna hear the stories of ‘me and my ex are best friends’ coz you may be the exception to the rule or a stupid lesbian. The majority of us are the rule and this rule states that being mates with your ex right after you have split up is a catastrophic nightmare that will only end in tears… and that will be your own tears… as you drop to your knees and scream ‘whhhyyyy!’ when you hear an Adele song play over the speakers in your local supermarket. And as for the lesbians who seem to think that staying mates with all your exes AND introducing them to your new girlfriend is totally normal… it fucking isn’t! So take your bullshit feminist ethics, vegan tendencies and ironic dress sense... and get to steppin'! And while you're at it... how about you perform a cartwheel all over my heart you have just casually ripped from my chest and thrown on the floor as I pretend that we’re BFFs! Yay… sounds like ALL the fun right?!

Now I’m not saying you can’t be friends once the dust has settled and both parties have adjusted and moved on… but stop lying to yourself. You are still in love and they have probably slept with 18 other people whilst you are busy getting all over excited because they have sent you 1 pointless text message that literally says ‘hi’. The charade of pretending you’re cool only lasts so long and it’s massively annoying for all involved. For your fuck wit ex who thought you were genuinely mates, for your friends who tried to warn you numerous times but you figured you knew best… and of course for yourself when you’re left crying to Westlife 'Flying Without Wings' over the radio at work.

I totally understand and appreciate the need to stay close with an ex you deeply cared about as I did the same for a whole year after the break up to finally realise that it's all kinds of shite. But in order to keep your dignity, sanity and self-respect (all of which you left outside your exes house when you 'unexpectedly' showed up in tears holding a boombox above your head) …. You need to cut that shit off, build that mother sucking bridge… and get over it. Because stalking your ex is a whole new blog post!

So what happens when you do move on and you reconnect with the ex? You know… your ex is with somebody else… you’re hooked up with your significant other enjoying life… does your ex still have a profound effect on you? HELL YES!! Ok so we’ve built ALL the bridges.. in fact you build bridges all over your pre-existing bridges just to prove that the bridge has actually been built... and we've sung our kum ba yahs…  but I can guarantee if you bumped into your ex again you will be all kinds of crazy even if your ‘effortless’ outfit (which took you weeks to collaborate) suggests you are sooooo over them! And don’t act like their wedding ring is not offending you either! You could be in a fantastic relationship with a hot (rich) piece of ass, have 2 gorgeous kids and 29 holiday homes in the South of France… but that one ex who really stole your heart (just before they stabbed it with a blunt knife) is ALWAYS gonna produce those mad chemicals in your brain which can result in you re-evaluating your life even though your life is completely grand the way it is... or worse still… just being an actual dickhead. It doesn’t mean you still are in love with them… it just means that we’re all human and no matter how good of a day you’re having… the Gods like to fuck with it a little because they’re all a bunch of jokers! If someone in your past had an effect on you good or bad… then sure as hell you will not be forgetting them anytime soon… whether you want to or not.

Oh and as a side note… please do not try to dry hump your current boyfriend or girlfriend in front of said ex just to prove some ridiculous point… nobody needs to see that totes inappropes sex show you slut. And your ex is wearing a wedding band… so pretty sure that trumps your rubbish attempt of making them jealous by riding your partner on the dance floor… to Rihanna. Just saying.

Drunk Texting. Just Say No!

90s Kids Nostalgia Juice