Is there intelligent life on Earth… I’m gonna go with a massive no! And I’m fully including myself with this outlandish statement. The amount of stupid shit I do is off the scale… and the worse thing is I genuinely think my crazies are valid and ‘normal.’ So let’s see…
Keeping your eyes semi-closed if you get up in the middle of night for water/toilet break as to trick your body that you’re still asleep. Because you know as soon as you fully open your eyes its game over… you might as well just get ready for work/masturbate coz you ain’t getting back to sleep!
Opening the fridge or the cupboard numerous times when you blatantly know you have no food in there… well none you want to eat. It’s as if by closing the door a McDonalds Happy Meal (with chicken nuggets) will just magic itself onto the shelves for your eating pleasure. Give it up… and go to the shops or just go on a damn diet you fatty!
Shake and or blow on electrical stuff to make them work. Remember when your Sega Mega Drive game cartridges would act up and a quick eject and blow (get your mind outta the gutter!) would fix all problems? Well sometimes I can be found furiously shaking my iPhone when it decides to be shite. Does it work… no. Do I still do it… yes.
Burning your mouth when chowing down on food that has directly been out of the oven all of 3 seconds ago. Like you just saw it leave the oven… hell you even took it out yourself! And if the steam leaving the piping hot food wasn’t a big enough clue… then it’s your own fault when you burn your face off.
When you lose something in your house you blame ‘the side’. “but Shem, when did you last see your prosthetic limb?”… “Well I left it on the side!” Blaming an inanimate object for you being a complete tosser is ridiculous.
Telling someone they have ‘something’ on their face when it turns out to be a cold sore. Awkward.
Bitching outrageously about your idiotic useless family/significant other who drive you insane all day every day, but when anyone else (usually the person whose ear you’ve chewed off with your slagging) chips in with agreement, you wanna punch them square in the face for talking shit on your family. Like who the hell do they think they are?!
Have bad dreams about your partner where they have acted like an arsehole to then wake up and be in really bad mood with them. It was a dream… I’m sure they didn’t cheat on you with your mother… but still you will start an argument and then continue to ignore them until YOU are over it!
Get too embarrassed to say ‘pardon’ for the 3rd time if you can’t hear or understand what some dickhead is trying to say to you. It’s like 3 strikes and you’re out! So instead you foolishly smile and nod in agreement as they stare at you waiting for you to say something…
Stand and or sit in the smoking area of a bar when you don’t even smoke due to FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) And let’s face it… it’s usually a derelict car park or just the main road and nothing is going on here except everyone freezing their tits off!
Talk like an absolute retard to babies. The higher you sound coupled quite magnificently with made up words which are just incomprehensible sounds… the better! I know there is some scientific blah blah about kids responding well to this kind of carry on… but guys… you sound like a prick. Just saying.