Bedroom Politics

 

Are you a big spoon or a little spoon? Do you like to sleep in your boyfriend’s nook or do you like to stroke your girlfriend’s face as she sleeps… weirdo. Orrrr do you even give a shit when it comes to getting all snuggly wuggly with your other half in the boudoir?! Personally when I’m in bed and want to sleep… I sleep. Roll over and stick to your side of the bed otherwise we’re gonna fall out! Yes after a sweaty session of love making/riding the hell out of each other there maybe that 10 minute window of feeling all vulnerable and weak yearning to be held… but once the acrobatics and unnecessarily loud screams of erotica have ended in a beautiful crescendo of mess… then pat each other on the back for a job well done, and then hug and roll away baby! There’s nothing to see here!

Should there really be rules or bedroom etiquette… well in my head there are!

One

I have a side of the bed. And if someone sleeps on my side I get slightly psychotically annoyed but try to hold my insanity down. What would realistically happen if someone laid down on ‘my side’… nothing… but I’m pretty sure I will have a panic attack about it anyways. If you’re new I will let it slide, but if you are a seasoned pro of sharing my bed… then bitch know your place!

Two

I don’t mind a cuddle or certain ‘cute’ things when chilling in bed so work away. Affection is nice and I’m a sucker for hugs. (But too much makes me feel claustrophobic asking myself massively valid questions like “where do I really see this relationship going?!”) HOWEVER I do mind enduring a dead arm because you need to use it as a blanky.

Three

When it’s finally bedtime… it’s sleep time. Lets move into our designated areas and go the fuck to sleep! If you have something to say then it can wait until the morning.

Four

Drunken advances when I’m sober and pissed off that I’m not as drunk as you, is never sexy. Slurring words of seduction like “you have nice tits” and breathing your beer breath muddled with chips and curry sauce concoction at me is not an aphrodisiac.

Five

If it’s a one night stand situation (which I have never done because I am a lady! Obviously.) Then you should know the drill. In and out and flip reverse it! Have a few minutes to compose yourself, then pick your pants and weave off from off the floor as well as your dignity… and keep the change you filthy animal!

Sharing a bed with me sounds like such a hoot right!

Diets.

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