Childbirth Sounds Shit


Yes I am aware I have banged on about kids and birthing before in various forms but saying the exact same thing… but I don’t care. I also still stand by my initial thoughts on the matter…  giving birth sounds crap. A few of my mates now have done the deed and squeezed out a bambino or 3 so I understand the concept in all it’s disgusting undignified glory… and so I believe this makes me an expert on the matter. Well it fucking does.

I always figured the art of giving birth was no real fun but it wasn’t until my first friend who got knocked up and foolishly made me godmother (like what the hell was she thinking?!) that I truly realised how un-fun the whole process really is. Her son weighed in at like a million pounds and I’m sorry but getting that fat bastard of a baby outta your vagina is gonna cause some issues… and stitches! As soon as my mate mentioned ‘ripping’ to me… I wanted to vomit all over my new born godson. Yes what a fabulous bundle of joy and all that jazz… but pretty sure when the drugs have worn off…  no damn miracle of a new baby will disguise the fact that you are now the proud owner of a broken fanny and stitched up arse hole.

So many mothers have said ‘but Shem the pain and labour is all worth it in the end’ and so many times I have replied with ‘bollox.’ I have visited friends after they have given birth and I  really want to comment on how glowing and happy they look… but I stutter over my words as I look at the mess of a woman in front of me. So I simply ooohh and aaah over the baby until I’m bored. I mean what happened to you! You once were kinda hot and I would often have sweaty sex dreams about you, but now you’re dead behind the eyes and resemble an aids victim. So sad… so very sad. Only one mate has been brutally honest with me when she gave birth and within her text message of telling me the name, weight and time of the birth, she followed up with ‘not gonna lie… it was horrendous.’ See, you women out there should just keep it real. Admitting your baby smashed the hell out of your special area and caused excruciating pain that not even class A substances could fix DOES NOT mean you hate your child. It just means you’re human… and fucking stupid for getting pregnant in the first place.

The idea of birth being beautiful is a massive lie. Like when your parents pull you aside as a youth and tell you that Santa and the Tooth Fairy are lies... they should also mention that childbirth is bullshit and not all flowers and magical Leprechauns! The craziness that goes on down below when pushing your kid out is conveniently never discussed. I’m pretty sure if us ladies were all educated on the vital facts like shitting yourself and tearing of ones bum hole, then y’all would think twice about making babies! There is also the horrible fact that your vagina is enormous and rendered useless where no amount of pelvic floor thrusts is gonna sort that shit out. It’s true.

Childbirth just sounds like a lot of effort and I just think I’m too lazy and precious to go through that trauma. I’m all for adoption… or just getting a Tamagotchi virtual pet. Wicked.

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