Brownies: Girl Guides or Cult?


I was down le pub t'other night (where all the best conversations and ridiculous subjects manifest themselves) and myself and my fine buddies were having a chat about Brownies when we were youths. We all were girl scouts and we reminisced how much fun this was, and then we proceeded to show off by reciting the Brownie Guide law or whatever the hell it's called (because we're so cool!)... and of course I still knew this off by heart because my brain only seems to retain the most useless pieces of crap... ever. However through our merriment of chatting about way back when... it dawned on all of us that Brownies sounded more like a friggin cult than a past time, youth club, coming of age 'thing' we did because all our mates did it...

If you think about it... this club for girls was a bit nuts like! The ceremonies we had to perform which included jumping over mushrooms, having secret salutes, looking into mirrors... chanting candy man 5 times... was all a little bananas. All we needed was a human sacrifice and this shit would have made a Channel 5 documentary! Why the hell were we in 'packs' and 'sixes' and what is with the random names?! Like I was in the Imps and I was a seconder... what the feck does that mean?! I'm sure I had some sort of responsibility but I don't remember doing anything except laughing and pissing about for a couple of hours on a Thursday evening.

The Brownies I belonged to was kinda ghetto! Brown Owl never followed the rules and I think I worked towards a grand total of 2 badges, but my sash I wore proudly across my chest was covered back to back with badges! Badges were just given out purely because if we didn't have it... then we needed it... and if there was space on my sash... then a badge needed to be there damn it! One of the badges I 'worked' towards was the 'culture' badge and I remember having my mum cook ackee and saltfish (traditional Jamaican cuisine... even though my family aren't Jamaican... but my mum said that nobody would care or know) and I think I was supposed to share this with the rest of my mates and Brown Owl... but I ate the whole damn thing! Hey listen... you snooze you lose!

But I digress...

We had to rock hideous uniforms including sexy ass cullotes, carry supplies like 6 safety pins (because you know when you're fucked in a situation the first thing you need is safety pins right!) and we had to salute to a flag when we were initiated. Oh and just for the record, Google defines 'initiated as thus "Admit (someone) into a secret or obscure society or group, typically with a ritual" Yeah sure... all of that sounds soooo normal! Just like the Klu Klux Klan were a bunch of fun time folk who enjoy rocking white hoods!

There is no doubt in my mind that Brownies was indeed fun and I had a wicked time with my friends... but it was a cult. Fact. Just like questioning Santa's motives is paramount in the fight against paedophillia... too much? I'm just saying! You can dress up 'Girl Guides' under the cover of cake sales, arts and crafts and carol singing in your local town centre dressed up as a fucking giant present (anyone else... or just me?!) but it was some mental Christian cult.

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