I’m all for stereotypes! Women are shit at sports, Men smell like arse hole… and can’t cook, Black people love fried chicken… oh and Lesbians are angry. None of this is politically correct and no doubt some people who clearly take life waaay too seriously will wanna punch me square in the face… but I don’t care as I think I’m right! Simples.
Lesbians are funny creatures! I could write a whole damn 5000 word essay on why lady lovers need to sort their lives out… but that would be boring and kinda pointless. Instead I will succinctly as possible outline why girls who like girls sometimes do my fecking box in. And by box I mean head… not my vagina!
Now I’m all about appreciating fine ladies and bumping uglies with the best of them… but why is it that gay girls can’t chill the hell out?! There appears to be a lot of hate for a few social groups mainly gay guys, straight guys and straight girls. So EVERYONE except our own! The gay bars I have frequented with straight folk have always caused some kind of drama… and usually it starts in the toilets! What is it about dirty toilets that brings out the beast in us all! The last time I was out losing my dignity and self-respect in copious plastic cups of vodka… I accidentally brushed past/stumbled into a burly butch lesbo for her to turn around and glare at me like I had just punched her in the fanny… on purpose like! We’re in a bar… it’s an innocent Sunday night… everyone is shitfaced… so where is the love?! Where is the sweaty embrace and rocking out to Glee’s ‘Don’t Stop Believing!’ I felt like I had to say “oh no don’t let my womanly ways and outstanding breasts fool you… I like girls too… so please find a fag hag to beat the shit out of!” When two of my friends (one straight girl and one gay dude) go out together to gay bars they ALWAYS get into fights with angry lesbians! I’m not entirely sure the fights are unprovoked by my ‘oh so innocent’ mates who protest that “lesbians hate me!”… however there is always fleeing from these homosexual establishments in a fabulous fashion for fear the lesbians will throw their comfortable shoes at them! Can we not all just get along?
Do you hate straight girls because they tend to scream at the tops of their voices “I like cock!” every time you so much as blink in their direction…? And do you feel uncontrollable rage towards gay guys because they rock those Topshop skinny jeans better than you ever will?
Crazy ass feminist lesbians! I feel your pain… I’m fighting for the same struggle (as I drink a pint of cider reading FHM, salivating ever so slightly over Megan Fox… cheering you on from the side lines!) but men are not the enemy! Why do you hate them so when many of you aspire to dress and do it like a dude anyways! Yes being a girl who likes girls means you ain’t so keen to get up close and personal with a penis… or embrace the idea of simply ‘needing a bit of cock to sort you out!’ like my ignorant asshole of an ex friend nicely told me… BUT don’t be a hater of the male race. Pretty much all my mates are blokes and the majority are gay guys… and just because I believe in equal rights for women does not mean I wanna eliminate the men of the world with my Ikea flat packing skills! Ridiculous yo!
Another annoying thing about mad gay girls is this… why do you feel the need to sleep with EVERYONE in your circle of gays like it ‘ain’t no thang but a chicken wing!’ Oh because I know what will cause awesome harmonious good vibes within our social group… shagging my best mates ex as I use my own ex as a booty call when my current girlfriend is on her period! Yeah that’s sound as fuck and won’t piss anyone off! Girls LOVE drama… so put a load of lezzers together and it’s one explosion of hormonal heartache.
But I digress…
Lesbians are angry and need to chill the hell out… and if you can’t then just switch back to being straight as it’s just a lifestyle choice anyways right?! :)