Raise your hand if talking to your bank on the phone is as about much fun as chlamydia? Yeah I see you! There is no doubt that chatting to some random on the phone about your bank account is beyond horrendous! I get as far as the security questions... which by the way are sometimes so fucking secure that not even I can access my own shit... before I have a complete meltdown and want to punch orphans. "Please can you tell me the last transaction on your account?" Urmmm... I dunno... maybe last night... from a cash machine... in Soho... when I was completely off my tits on too many cheeky vodkas! "Sorry Miss but can you be more specific?" No I bloody can't because I was wasted... but I do have my mother's maiden name... oh and my actual bank card IN MY FUCKING HAND AS WE SPEAK!! And breathe...
My point is... talking to customer service agents on the phone or in person can be a nightmare. 9 times out of 10 they don't know what the hell you are chatting about and apparently asking to speak to their manager doesn't actually scare them anymore. Bastards. However I have been on both sides of the customer service rage and so I would like to think I sympathise with the poor folk who don't get paid nearly enough to put up with the shit they do from gobby Black birds like myself, but I unfortunately don't sympathise! Yes when I worked in a call centre many moons ago I was constantly shouted at, told that I've ruined a child's Christmas, reduced to tears by some woman who thought I was a man AS WELL as having some pervert breathe heavily down the phone... but still... I lose the will to live when I speak to some fecking retard on the phone...
So here are my top 10 reasons why customer services (from both points of view) is a giant pile of dog shit.
As a customer service lemming...
1. You are made to wear a ridiculous head set but must refrain from pretending to be Madonna. Where is the fun in that?!
2. You're absolutely fucked if you have an unusual name! Good luck phonetically spelling your name to that really pissed off customer on the other end who wants your details for that official complaint they will be writing.
3. You are trained to actually lie to customers! "Can I interest you in a really pointless promotion we are running which will bring no joy to your life and cost you shit loads of money... but will boost my commission allowing me to actually eat this month!" Sounds good right?
4. You turn into a grumpy shit. What with numerous customers screaming at you on a daily basis about something you really couldn't give a crap about, it is bound to effect your personality out of work.
5. You are not allowed to tell irate customers to go fuck themselves. Pretty sure that would result in some sort of termination of your contract.
Now as the customer...
6. You have to listen to the sweet as pie customer service agent read a script about how it's such a beautiful day and asking you how are you today... when all you wanna do is rip someone's head off.
7. You end up buying something or signing up for some shit you never even wanted when all you needed to know was your balance!
8. When you just want to enquire about an upgrade of your phone.. for example... you are passed through 18 different departments and then cut off. Wicked.
9. The dude from India who feels the need to get your name wrong (and sometimes your gender!) tells you his name is Barry. Stop lying to me! You're not called Barry and you've just insulted me by calling me sir!
10. The mother sucking customer service people call you at work or just when you are trying to pack your shopping into those shit Tesco bags at the till... AND THEN they get in a mood with you because you can't talk as if you have inconvenienced them! Tossers.
So yeah. In a nutshell... customer services on either side is super rubbish. That's all.