D.I.Y is crap.


The movies make it seem such fun! You know the montage where you and your mates are cavorting around the front room in funky dungarees, having oh so funny paint fights whilst dancing to some cheese on the radio. AND then you have a tea break where you are laughing out loud at amazingly hilarious one liners like... "you missed a spot!" Well mo ho ho mother fucker coz it doesn't work like that!

It's all fun and games until someone says that the one wall which will be covered with furniture and nobody is gonna see let alone give a flying f*ck about, requires three coats of paint! THREE!! At this point I'm throwing all toys out of my pimped up pram and I am point blank refusing! Every song on the arsing radio is pissing me off, being covered in paint is no longer funny and you can shove your cute cuppa tea because I needs me a pint of vodka asap!

DIY is rubbish. Fact. After a horrendous trip to Ikea where you wanna stab yourself in the eye with them pencils and overdose on mini Dime bars just so you avoid an argument with the family of 8 walking too slow in front of you... you then got to somehow get your boxes of flat pack shit home AND THEN put it up! Yeah sure, I LOVE a car journey with a storage unit jabbed into the side of my neck... and nothing fills me with more contentment than having to spend hours putting up shelves! Yes yes oh so ironic... but I never said I was a good lesbian!

Why do I need to know how to re-wire a plug?! Surely there is some dodgy dude in the yellow pages (who is no doubt being investigated by the fraud police and Watchdog) that can fix my plug... right?!

I will be watching those home revamp programs with Sarah Beeny and she gives it all the blah blah blaaahs about making over a new house and how much 'fun' it is to be creative... but it's absolute garbage! Home makeovers are long, expensive, boring and no fun at all! You end up hating your other half, re-mortaging your elderly parents home and then at the very end when you've maxed your budget and are close to suicide, Beeny's smug little pregnant face pops up and says that if you listened to her in the first place you could have made a bigger profit! Wicked. What a waste of fucking time. 

So yeah... home DIY is pants. It's a lot like (not at all but work with me here!) the sexy iconic pottery scene in the movie 'Ghost'... to some peeps they think "wow that's hot!" but to me all it's saying is "get this shitty discoloured clay stuff the hell away from me... and I swear if it even touches my hair... some schmuck is gonna get hurt!" 

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