Childhood Rumours (complete lies)


Back in the day… a la school days, rumours got a lot of folk in trouble. But being kids we took these amazing Chinese whispers as gospel to the point where 20 years later I am still convinced that this girl called Lisa had sexual relations with an actual dog and she also placed a 50p coin into her lady area… just for shits and giggles! We were like 8 years old… pretty sure none of us even knew what sex actually was… but some idiot felt the need to incriminate this poor girl… and even bigger idiots like myself felt the need to believe it! How devastated must this girl have been, knowing that the whole damn school thought she was a giant slag who placed inanimate objects into her chuff chuff?! It’s nuts! My older bro and I saw the same girl walking in our local town a couple of months ago and without hesitation my bro said “isn’t that Lisa… the girl who shagged a dog and stuck a 50p in her vagina?!” Wow. Sucks to be her…

School was hard enough for some folk… but rumours and straight up lies destroyed lives! There was this foreign exchange student who was from some random country and basically the story was that she threatened to cut off my mate’s head! Not that she threatened to beat her up behind the bike sheds or steal her lunch money… oh no no… this foreign exchange student was an extreme SAS style warrior who wanted to decapitate my mate! We were 14! Our only agenda at this age was who we fancied that week and rolling up our skirts so we looked like complete whores! So of course shit…fan… and news got around the school where a witch hunt for the girl was promptly executed… and then of course this escalated to the head master for my mate to actually confess that she made it all up. Kids are assholes! If I could go back in time using my Delorean time machine, the first thing I would do is find me as a 14 year old and beat the shit out of me for being a giant prick.

When you were a child you would just believe anything if the source was wiser/older/scary looking/had the potential to beat you up. Grown-ups would just tell us complete shit as well! Like my PE teacher (who was a massive scary lesbian… well she had short hair and wore no makeup) would constantly bang on about how we shouldn’t sit on the wet grass as we will get piles! What are you talking about you crazy dyke?! Pretty sure sitting down for 5 minutes after you’ve made us kill ourselves from a horrendous cross country run will be just fine… BUT of course we all shit ourselves and refused to sit on the grass even though nobody actually knew what fucking piles were!

Parents also lie and you grow up believing that there are actual monsters under your bed, that eating your crust made your hair curly, (WTF!! I have afro hair… I don’t need any more tight curls you cocks!) and that you mustn’t go near your creepy uncle… You see grownups think they are protecting you and instilling wondrous words of wisdom in you, when in fact they are liars. Plain and simple. Up until I left home at 18 and lived in London I was convinced that if you looked directly into a microwave you would get hit with radiation laser beams which would give you cancer! HUH?! Yes this little gem of complete bollox was something my mother told me… for what reason I have no idea except to make me have an irrational fear of microwaves! Cheers mum.

Starting a rumour is just a sexier way of  saying you’re lying… and lying is bad right… well it can be kinda fun… until you realise you’ve actually ruined someone’s life. That's all.

D.I.Y is crap.

Dickheads and Drama