Breaking Up and Facebook Politics


So basically your heart has been spectacularly ripped out of your chest and stomped on in a fabulous Riverdance style fashion. You’ve cried so much you’ve thrown up your intestines. You have been comforted by a little old lady on public transport who offers you her floral scented hanky to wipe the greeny hanging elegantly above your top lip. You have had a sordid affair with Ben and Jerry as you cheat on Notting Hill with Love Actually. You have pissed off ALL your mates rehashing the same shit over… and over… and over until they fully agree with the fact that your bleeding heart is self-inflicted. AND finally you have unsuccessfully tried to woo your lover back by turning into an ever so attractive desperate and pathetic stalking freak! Yeah sure… that’s the way to show them how hot you actually are… send them drunken texts/emails/smoke signals professing your psychotic undying love. Or better still... just 'accidently' turn up at their work with a bunch of flowers and a huge placard saying "I'm a fucking dickhead."

After the smoke has cleared and you have the energy scrape up your self-respect which is sat chilling with your 80s power ballad CDs and wedged between Bridget Jones and your Friends boxset, you then have to deal with Facebook!

We can all pretend that after a break up we don’t stalk our exes on Facebook… but we all fucking do! Yeah I see you! If we stalk randoms who are friends of friends of friends… we sure as hell check out the ex. If you find yourself on someone’s page flicking through their photo albums to then realise you have no arsing clue who the hell the person is but you now feel like you actually know them… then honey… you have it in you to be what I like to fondly refer to as a “Facebook Fuck Up.”

If you were happy/dumb enough to change your relationship status to ‘in a relationship with…’ when you were once overjoyed/deluded that you managed to bag someone who could actually stand you, then sucks to be you! I truly believe changing your status is the kiss of death and unnecessary unless you’ve been with each other for a loooong time… because when you have to change it back due to the breakup… you look like a giant prick! You also have to deal with publicly inviting comments from everyone who say “hey babe what happened?” for you to purposefully ignore them and bask in the fact you have some weird celebrity status for all of 5 seconds…

So what do you do now… do you delete the ex or do you pretend that you don’t actually care and stay ‘friends’? A buddy once asked me as I turned up at her house with a crippling case of heartbreak one night “why would you stay ‘virtual friends’ with someone when you’re not friends in real life?” You make the call… but if you want to keep torturing yourself and reading waaaay too much into every status update they post and are cool with the fact that their new love will be in your face… then carry on the charade. However if you wanna build that mother sucking bridge and get the hell over it and yourself… delete delete delete! It’s a new day… a new dawn… and if you think you made a hasty decision then sure go ahead and re-add them to watch this fake friendship go tits up in a massive blaze of shit glory! Boom!

Now you’ve binned the ex from your Facebook friends all that is left to do is to go through the other heartache of deciding who gets the mutual friends in the divorce. It’s bananas yo! Some mates are clearly only your friends because they were your exes friend and vice versa… but again you don’t want to offend anyone. Social networking has turned us into emotional douchebags! How many of these people do you actually see… and how much do they not even give a shit if you’re Facebook buddies or not?! Stop being a pussy and sack them off! Although the rules are as follows: you can delete them but if they get in there first and cut you off… then shit will hit the fan as you start screaming “who the hell do they think they are deleting ME from their precious lives!” One rule for me and another for every other sucker on this planet is just how I roll. It’s fine to do what I wanna do when I wanna do it… but if my hand is forced and someone gets in there first… it’s not cool. Yes break ups are a competition and are all about mind games… and if I don’t win then someone is gonna get it.

So you’ve made mammoth strides and deleted the ex and everything related to them. Do you feel any better? Probably not. Do you still feel like you want to send them ‘one last’ rambling email and explain the reasoning behind your Facebook deletion just so you still appear ‘nice’…? Again… probably. But please be assured and recognise that this is not the way to go as all you are doing is inviting more drama into your life. Why is it that us humans feel the need to continue a saga?! Your relationship is not Ross and Rachel and singing about it in a spectacular gay Glee showdown isn’t gonna make them love you! Why I hear you cry… because these are TV shows and NOT REAL!! Just let it go damn it! Stop setting yourself up for an enormous fall and for a public humiliation when they tell you AGAIN (over that friendly ‘no strings attached’ coffee you totally have set up to try and secretly win them back) that their feelings haven’t changed and they find your desperation repulsive.

Overthinking everything and anything we do after a breakup is natural… but being delusional and over analysing what your ex actually means when they say “you’re dumped… please leave me alone before I call the police” is straight up retarded. Now go get a real hobby!

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