People and Pets


Ok so I don’t hate pets or anything and I don’t support cruelty to animals. I also hate Zoos and detest those bullshit ‘attractions’ you get in South East Asia where some smiling gappy toothed anorexic looking dude who smells a little like urine, is trying to get you to pay actual money to watch his one legged tutu wearing monkey friend dance to the Macarena. Pretty sure if you piss the monkey off it’s just gonna give you rabies or worse… AIDS. However I digress…

I just don’t really get pets.

The only pets I’ve had as kid were 13 tropical fish of which my dad murdered by accident, and a few years ago I had another fish called Milo who again died as myself and the gay Irish husband kinda neglected him. I did want a dog but my parents told me to jog on… and then I wanted a rabbit… and then I wanted a monkey like MJ’s Bubbles! Clearly that never happened but I stomped around for about 2 years demanding a pet chimp all the same.

I have friends who are pet crazy! Like they genuinely see their animals as children… it’s fucking scary! One friend calls his cats his ‘babies’ and I’m certain my other insane friend has an unhealthy obsession with cats too. I’m sooo judging her for this as I pretend that it’s just all harmless fun! It’s like consoling a mate who you’re pretty sure is mentally unstable and they ask you “do you think I’m mad?” you sweetly say “of course not beautiful” as you’re secretly staging an intervention!

I just can’t be arsed with looking after stuff. ‘Oooh feed me, walk me, play with me!’ Urrghh… effort. I had a Tamagotchi virtual pet thing when I was a yoof and I had it for all of 2 days until it shit itself to death! I do however like the idea of having a ‘proper’ pet and not just some rock I paint a face on to pretend it’s actually real… BUT I just struggle with overly caring for anything that can’t hold a conversation with me. If someone genetically modifies a dog that can look after itself, cook me dinner, not smell, and can have a little chat to me about their day when I get in from work… then I would be all over it. But please, if I wanted babies I would be straight!

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