The Bodyguard - No Noooo!


It’s no shocker to those who know me that the 1992 classic ‘The Bodyguard’ starring Whitney Houston and Kevin Costner is one of my all-time fave movies. A crazy Black woman causing drama… what’s not to love? Myself and one of my mates (he’s gay… shocker!) can and will recite the entire script off by heart which can be super annoying for those around us when we feel it’s necessary/highly amusing to start screaming out lines of the film at 4 in the morning outside Maccy Ds on Tottenham Court Road! But I digress…

Great soundtrack + cheese as hell storyline + average acting = a fucking smash of a film! For those of you absolute idiots who do not know this film then just bear with me as I punch you square in the face and tweak your nipple.

So let me break it down for you… A hot superstar singer (Whitney) gets stalked by some crazy mad man who breaks into her home, masturbates on her bed and threatens her life. She hires a bodyguard (buff Robin Hood Prince of Thieves Kev!) to protect her… BUT it all goes a bit tits up… people get shot… some die… oh and they fall in love… cue Whitney singing “I Will Always Love You”. The end.

Whitney’s character Rachel Marron is a bitch. She epitomises the sweet essence of a diva and I only aspire to be her. Of course she is a vulnerable insecure lady who only acts like a feisty mentalist for shits and giggles… but still she is fierce yo! I’m sure Whitney didn’t have to push her acting skills too far with this role as we all know she’s fucking nuts… but we all will throw unbelievable shapes to “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” on a night out! Yeah I see you!

Now… I hear some mother flippa is trying to remake The Bodybuard and naturally I’m not happy. Why mess with shit you clearly don’t understand?! There have been whispers of everyone from Megan Fox to Rihanna to play the new lead… but although these women are incredibly sexy and I would be first in line at the straight to DVD movie Premier… they just ain’ts no Whitney baby! Why would they try to even recreate the magic of an inter-racial love story of such epic magnitude? Apparently the new story line is gonna bring social media into the mix to keep the story ‘current’!! So the leading lady will be stalked on Twitter and Facebook… what a giant sack of shit! And if getting stalked on Facebook warrants someone hiring an actual bodyguard to hunt the psycho down… then I’m fucked.

So yeah… back off my Bodyguard bitches… or I’ll set a wild and crazed crack whore Whitney on you!

That’s all. Thanks.

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