At the beginning of the year everyone goes mental and decides that it’s a new year so it's a new start which is loosely translated as ‘shit… I got FAT!’ and so you need to drop the dirty Crimbo weight and get back into those jeans which used to be baggy on you. Then fast forward 4 weeks and 1 overly expensive gym membership later… you realise you only have been to the gym once and that was your induction day. Soooo… as you rock back and forth in the foetal position silently weeping, you weigh up the pros and cons of picking up an eating disorder as you tuck into your 28th slice of pizza. After this fabulous self-inflicted drama you then decide that you will get fit for the summer as more of you will be on show, and unless you want to get harpooned by some fisherman who has mistaken you for a gigantic whale, you need to get on it friend!
However, I find the whole health thing balls. I have tried and failed miserably on many occasions and I’m very much of the opinion that if at first you don’t succeed… then sack it off and indulge in a drug habit! You don’t need to eat if you’re busy injecting heroin into your eyeball. Right?
So here are my top 3 reasons why staying healthy, beautiful and dieting is crap.
You’re hungry ALL the arsing time. Mmm salad… sooo filling right?! About as filling as fucking dust! You may be smiling and trying to trick yourself into thinking that the bowl of grass doused in low fat shitty dressing is really satisfying you… but inside you are just wanting to self-harm with your plastic salad fork and drift off to a land of burgers and chips and CAAAAKE! Salads don’t touch the sides and that’s why McDonalds sell them… so you can pick up a quarter pounder with cheese as a side order.
Being healthy is EFFORT. After a hard day at work the last thing you want to do is to spend another few hours sweating your tits off. You were made to run and do other rubbish strenuous activities at school because them be the rules… (and I was a little scared that the butch lesbo PE teacher would touch me inappropriately!) but you are now old enough to give the middle finger to anything which makes you believe you’re having an actual asthma attack. Breathing heavy is not sexy… unless you are having sexual intercourse. Fact.
Real food tastes amazing. I mean sometimes I admit I will have over dramatic conversations with my buddy Benjamin every Sunday after a sordidly heavy weekend of drinking and eating enough shit to end famine in Africa… and how we’re never eating again… and come Monday morning I’m all about anorexia… BUT by lunch time I’m having an argument with someone in the queue in KFC… again! And why do I do this I hear you cry… because proper food tastes proper amazing! If I wanted a crap muesli bar and a low fat smoothie which would no doubt give me the shits… then I would’ve got involved. However I’m all about the fine art of deliciousness… and honey… a zinger tower burger kicks the shit out of your dry salad all day every day!
SO yeah… unless the doctor says you gotta get all healthy and stuff… or channel 4 have approached you for a documentary called ‘How being a massive fatty ruined my sex life’ then continue yo! Super.