Let me set the scene... you're in your local discotheque... you've sank way too many alcoholic beverages to the point where you don't understand how you got wrecked so easily so you start accusing everyone who will listen that your drink has the distinctive taste of Rohypnol... and then the DJ plays a song which has you rushing the dance floor. You're dancing like no-one is watching... even though everyone can see you and are pointing and laughing, and as the chorus kicks in... you scrunch up your face, close your eyes and belt out the lyrics into an empty beer bottle. This my friend is the classic scenario called... jamming out with your clam out... or simply making a dick of yourself to one of your guilty pleasure songs.
We all have them. That one song which has this overwhelming effect on you and makes you wanna hug a stranger and sway! That one song which basically is so shit its good... or it's just so shit... it still remains shit but for some reason you just can't get enough. It's that one song where when it comes on our MP3 player/Walkman/Boombox we turn it down ever so slightly so the person next to us can't hear it due to fear of ridiculing and looks of disgust! We love to hate it... but we love it all the same.
So to celebrate the fine art of rocking out to the songs you love to hate... here are my Top 10 Guilty Pleasure Tunes (in no particular order)
10. S Club 7 - Reach
Amazing pop tune. Fact. I was a little obsessed with this group back at Uni to the point I had one of their tours on VHS and would watch it all day everyday with my buddy Ginger Emily! The line up was full of pretty-ish people... you had the blonde (who later turned into a racist which was nice!) the brunette, the gay, the token Black dude, the cute blonde, the ugly one, and the fat one! BUT they made feel good tunes which made me happy and jump around like a monkey on speed down my Student Union bar.
9. Eternal - I Wanna be the Only One
This 90s British girl group cracked me up! Don't get me wrong, I loved them and it was because of them I used to wear green contact lenses and flat caps (prick!) But they booted Louise Redknapp out because she clearly was too White for the 3 strong Black girls in the group! This song featuring US singer BeBe Winans is usually played in G.A.Y Bar in London (after I have selected it on the video jukebox!) and yes I know all the words... and yes I think I am the 4th member of Eternal.
8. Michelle Gayle - Sweetness
This British singer used to be in Grange Hill and Eastenders... and then she went all sexy and tried it as an RnB singer... it didn't quite work! BUT she did bring out this wicked tune! It reminds me of my yoof and again I know all the words and I will get in a mood if I don't get to hear it on a night out!
7. Ace of Base - The Sign
Another 90s band which produced pretty shocking but brilliant pop anthems! This is an automatic high for me! Just crank it up and memories of snogging boys at school discos come flooding back! I'm not sure how you actually dance to this song... but after 28 shots of Tequila... I can dance to static radio signals.
6. Rick Astley - Never Gonna Give You Up
This late 80s tune is simply magical! You get to execute your elaborate dance moves of step to the left and clap... step to the right then clap! Genius. Happy pop track which makes you feel like you're in a shit 80s music video. I love it!
5. Glee - Don't Stop Believing
If you don't know about Glee then you don't know about me! You may think its shit... and if so, then we can't be friends. This cover track literally turns me into a fucking idiot on the dance floor! When I'm out I will take out any bint who gets in my way of throwing ridiculous gay shapes to this song. It reminds me of so many good times and you know you gotta dance like a spazz... them be the rules!
4. Queen - Don't Stop Me Now
Amazingness. Fact. This is usually played near the end of the night where you are so far gone that simply running on the spot constitutes as dancing. I love how it's from one of my fave movies Shaun of the Dead and I love how everyone usually forgets all the words and so you slur and mumble your way to the climatic end!
3. Britney - Slave 4 U
Yup. This song is duuuuurty! When the DJ throws this out to the crowd everyone turns into actual sluts and begin to simulate sexual intercourse with their nearest and dearest! The beat is sexy, the song gets you sweaty... and dry humping your mates is the only way you can get through it! The flamboyant folk around you start showing off with their oh so cleverly choreographed moves as the rest of us find inanimate objects to make our bitch for the next 3 minutes of the song!
2. Boyz II Men - End Of The Road
I used to have a lot of love for these US RnB crooners until I found out that the good married Christian boyz (or middle aged men with families) tried (and failed miserably!) to get my mate into bed! But although the dirt bags like playing away from home, this song still makes me drop to my knees in a fabulous power ballad fashion! When this tune gets played you can't help but pretend your straining for a big poo and wave your hands around in a Mariah Carey type diva way! Super.
1. Kelly Clarkson - Since You Been Gone
This is my ultimate 'home time tune'... the one song I usually hear before I realise that I can't actually feel my legs and just before I'm washing my own puke out of my hair! You get to properly scream this out whilst grabbing onto an unsuspecting member of the public and making them bounce up and down with you. I'm not a massive fan of Ms Clarkson... but this song sends me bananas!