I Don't Get It.


I wanted to write about the top 10 things that I never understood as a child and still don't understand now... but I'm sleepy and can't really be arsed. So instead I thought of 3 things which always boggled me and no matter how I look at it today... I still don't fecking get it!

Top on my list has to be the most pointless school 'event' ever created... Harvest Festival. Really. I mean what the hell was that all about?! All I remember is that when I would announce to my mother on the morning of said festival that this 'thing' was happening at school... she would panic... open the cupboard and hand me tins of out of date sweet corn and corned beef. Then from what I can remember, these 'off' cans of food were proudly displayed in our school assembly hall as we sung hymns about Jesus and stuff. As far as I know all the 'goodies' of poisonous shit food and toxic pot noodles were to be shipped to Africa for all the poor starving Black kids from that Band Aid music video...

I'm not being funny but someone really didn't think this through properly. Which complete cock figured that sending potentially harmful out of date spam to already dying kids was a good idea??! "Hmmm I know what will help them come to terms with contracting HIV and drinking cholera infested water... a fucking tin of beans from 1972!" Was there even a point to this clearly rubbish festival... probably not. And what has it got to do with a harvest???

The next 'thing' which stumped me as a youth was why we had take shit family photos at a 'professional' photo studio. We've all got those yellow tinged photographs which smell ever so slightly of old people/piss... they have the velvet blue backgrounds and we look fucking crap. If you have a sibling you are also pretending that you actually like each other. I know parents feel the need to collect 'memories' of their kids... but why did you have to dress me up in that shit frilly dress with the really itchy collar and force me to smile! You've got a camera... take your own damn pics instead of paying some random shit loads of money to wave around a teddy bear in front of your face trying to entice you to smile. I don't get it.

The last thing I never understood when growing up was why everyone was so secretive about sexual awareness and puberty. By this I mean... we all 'french kissed' behind the bike sheds/tree at the back of the field, we all flashed each other our 'bits' and I had my breasts 'felt up' on many occasions in the art store cupboard! However there was a big taboo about it then and there is an even bigger one now. I think everyone just needs to chill the hell out, throw your hands up in the air and admit kids are curious... and basically if it looks interesting... we're gonna touch it! I'm not saying kids need to run around openly stimulating the fine art of rimming on their best friend... but the more you pretend you haven't put your hands down your mates trousers the more likely you are gonna grow up to be a closet homosexual called Malcolm. Oh I dunno, maybe I was just a massive slut as a child and I'm still a sexual deviant today. If so... then my bad!

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