Beauty School Drop Out



So… beauty is apparently in the eye of the beholder. True… but kinda balls too! I will be the first person to raise my hand and admit that if you look like you fell outta the ugly tree and smashed to shit every branch on the way down… then honey… I aint interested! Apparently it’s all about personality which is a lie… it’s all about whether I want to have face sex with you. Fact. If you have a great personality then sure that’s a bonus but I’m all about being incredibly shallow and wanting to bump uglies with pretty people. That’s just how I roll yo… don’t hate me coz I’m beautiful! Of course I aint no Beyonce/Tyra Banks/Jada Pinkett Smith… I’m just Shem and that’s a whole lot of goodness that I’m not sure you’re ready for!

But I massively digress…

So I am due to go to a spa thingy in a couple of months and I’m not gonna lie… I’m a little scared! It’s for a mates hen doooo and I’m clearly going because there aint no party like a Shem Club Party but this is my year of ‘yes’ and so I’m getting involved. I don’t like people touching my feet or rubbing scented oils on my face… so I’ve opted for a full body massage! The thought of my chocolaty goodness being on display for a beauty therapist to get her tanned mitts on me fills me with a throb of excitement but also pure fear and loathing. I don’t do beauty…(no shit!) and if the beauty bint even thinks about touching my ‘fro with all that greasy Soul Glo’ oil… then someone is gonna get hurt!

I kind of think the art of going to a beauty spa type place is actually bananas! Well more precisely… the art of de-fuzzing your private areas. You rock up to a clinic and get butt naked in front of a stranger for them to touch you inappropriately. Granted this scenario reads like a scene from a personal wet dream… although minus midgets playing Ukuleles… BUT it’s weird! Yeah sure I’m just gonna whip out my vag for you to blatantly check out how disproportioned the left beef curtain is (yeah I see you looking!) AND THEN continue to cause immense pain by ripping out my pubic hair which I’m pretty sure is there for a reason. Yeah… wicked… sounds fun right?! Hollywood you say… nah I’m quite happy maintaining my wee afro puff thanks!

I don’t care how comfortable the beauty therapist makes you feel… I will not now or ever feel comfortable with you touching me… unless you’re fit… then game on my friend!

I had some acupuncture and cupping craziness a little while ago when I had a dodgy back, and even that freaked me out! It probably didn’t help the fact that the old Chinese lady who spoke little English felt the need to pull down my knickers and insert the needles into my butt cheeks! I know that I have a great round brown ass and all… but I’m pretty sure I was sexually assaulted. Super.

So in conclusion… beauty places are just glorified legal brothels. Fact. I didn’t just make that up. Am I looking forward to my spa trip in a few months…? Hell no. Yes I will look fabulous in a crisp white robe quaffing cheap champagne by the bubble bath type Jacuzzi, but will I fall in love with the treatments and full body massage… probably not. The things I do for my mates… it’s scandalous.

Singing With Your Eyes Closed

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