I have a theory. Brides to be make their bridesmaids look shit so they can look amazing on their big day. They choose horrendous dresses and pick rubbish pastel colours which resemble internal organs... just becuase it's their party and they will make you look like a retard if they want to. Although most bridesmaid would happily punch the bride to be in the fanny for making them wear such shocking dresses, you are filled with a sense of guilt because somehow bridezilla makes you believe you have been given a great honour and are ‘the chosen one’. SO you graciously accept the offer and pretend that the fabulous colour of ‘hearing aid beige’ is perfect and really compliments the baby puke shoes you are being forced to wear.
However, I think these brides who enforce the uniform are genius and if I were to ever get married… I’m making my page boys and flower girls look like massive pricks just so I can look amazing! I’m talking glitter, neon lights, fake tans… even for my family who are already Black, and outfits which weigh 18 stones making it impossible to walk/breath. I’m talking about Gypsy wedding extravaganza!
Of course I will look elegantly slutty wearing comfortable shoes and rocking an exotic headdress fashioned from the gay rainbow flag as tasselled jewels drape gently over my nipples. It is my wee disciples who will look crap as everyone gasps in delight at how hot I clearly look.
So yes. My big fat shit wedding is how it’s going to go down people. Raise your hand if you want to be my bridesmaid? I can even set up a good ‘grabbing’ for you from a vest wearing, Reebok Classics stepping racist hooligan. Just remember… if it doesn’t hurt… then it aint real love.