Facebook Status Updates

Ok. We all bitch about how much Facebook is the root of all evil and it’s most definitely probably ruined my life on 17 occasions… BUT have I deleted my account… have I f*ck! It’s like a ridiculous drug habit you can’t kick. The kind of addiction where you have a panic attack/meat sweats if the site goes down and you are out of the loop for all of 2 minutes… vital 2 minutes of where one of your ‘friends’ (don’t even get me started on the fake friends thing!) updates their status or posts some shit you ordinarily wouldn’t give a crap about… but Facebook makes us crave for updates on mundane bollox… and I hate it.

This social networking thingy really winds me up. It’s definitely a love/hate thing. Facebook has single handily ruined relationships, sparked rows amongst mates and turned everyone into massive stalking freaks. Now don’t act like you don’t snoop on peoples profile pages! I see you! But my biggest pet hate which has often created an inner rage where I could quite happily punch AIDS ridden orphans to expel my annoyance is thus… pointless and absolutely ridiculous status updates. Facebook has given complete muppets a platform to vocalise their thoughts. Wicked.

If you’re gonna share with the world/old school mates you haven’t spoken to for decades something so fecking boring then please be ironic or deliberately boring. I could not give a flying f*ck about your new kitchen unit you’ve just installed or how your child has just managed to urinate all by themselves. Now if you’re telling me that your baby has just burped the alphabet all by themselves then I may allow it… but I would rather you keep your shit stories about your average looking baby to yourself and come back to me when you have sorted your life out!

Status updates are also a fine way to tell people how amazing your love life is apparently. Stop it. Right now. You are allowed approximately 1 week (I’m being generous) to bask in your glory of being with your new lover but then you really need to shut the hell up broadcasting this fact! You look and sound like a cock. You also have pretty much jinxed the whole relationship by changing your relationship status anyways, so why tell us how in love you are when the romance will last all of 21 seconds anyways! Yes you’re loved up and happy and I’m made up for you… really… smiling… in the inside… BUT enough of the overly gushy nonsense. Couldn’t give a shit how much you miss them or how you’re buzzing coz you got laid twice this morning! Send a private message to the object of your affection as there are only so many times your mates who feel sorry for you can hit the ‘like’ button before they wanna punch you… hard... in the face.

By far the worse status update crime is the super frustrating way some of you use it as a cry for help! Listen, I’m all down with helping out my fellow neighbour in times of need… but writing shit which invites attention is just ridiculous. If you really have issues then hit up the Samaritans or save it for some fool who has time to entertain your drama. Writing ‘I feel so sad today’ or ‘Why is my life so rubbish’ doesn’t make me wanna ask you if you’re ok… it just makes me wanna type in bold “MAN THE F*CK UP!” or “life’s a bitch and then you die so suck it up!” Facebook is not rehab so stop telling me about your fears and anxities. I want entertainment damn it! Post a clip of a fainting goat or some dude falling over and really hurting himself.

So the moral of the rant is this… stop wasting my time sucker! Be imaginative, interesting or just straight up funny. If your life is that dull… then what’s wrong with you… make it up! Now I’m off to tell everyone how I have an itchy left breast, my new girlfriend of 2 seconds has just dumped me and my job is a sack of shit whilst looking through photos of some random I once went to playschool with.

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