Drinking is great. Not gonna lie… I love it. This doesn’t make me an alcoholic it just makes me a fan of losing all inhibitions and blowing raspberries into various ladies breasts like an oh so hilarious sex offender. It’s fun. I did partake in not drinking for a whole month to start the New Year with a healthy outlook… and I did it! I also ruined my social life and became heavily depressed. It was wicked. But do you really need drink to have a good time… yes. Of course you do. And those who say you don’t are the ones snorting cocaine off urinals. Fact. I didn’t just make that up.
The first time I got drunk it was an accident. I was around 14 and went to a house party in a village near me (that’s just how us country folk roll yo!) and the night consisted of thus: necking copious amounts of dirty cider, losing my bra/dignity to some dude called George, throwing up in a hedge and being force fed a chocolate cake to sober me up. It didn’t work.
Anyhoo, you would think after years of throwing up and shamefully indulging in the activities which I regret almost every time (I say ‘almost’ as sometimes it’s pretty shit hot funny) that I would rein it in and just quit making the same mistakes… But oh no no. Apparently the older you get the more susceptible you are at turning into a complete and utter cock… and this cock like behaviour is intensified when under the influence. I say it’s all a learning curve… ok maybe just a curve as there is no learning involved as we continue to drink and act the fool! So here for your viewing pleasure are a few of the universal drunken shit we all do or have done… or are gonna do tonight! We are the nation of binge drinking… so lets not shun this fabulous title but embrace it. Acceptance is the key to recovery… and where there’s a blame, there’s a claim. (yeah that last bit has no relevance but I just got a bit carried away innit.)
The number 1 thing we all do when pissed and frequenting a local discotheque is this… we reckon we’re fucking Beyonce. Yes even the boys. You shake what your mama gave ya… and 9 times out of 10… mama gave you shit moves! You go from tapping your big toe in a seated position to tearing up the dance floor shirt off/tits out being asked to leave by the bouncer as you keep taking out so called sober folk with your ‘crazy’ karate kid inspired shapes. Sure you’re having a good time and everyone loves you… but you look like a spazz. Stop it.
Number 2 on my list would be the classic of thinking you are so amazingly funny when in fact you’re just being kinda rude and really offensive. One of my friends told me when he was arse holed in a bar one time that 95% of people who get dumped kill themselves… and then he continued to laugh his tits off… in my face… on purpose as I stood there in tears at the fact that my sorry ass had just been dumped. Was he insensitive… yes… would I probably do the same if the roles were reversed… for sure. Boozing makes you feel invincible until you realise you have no mates you bell end!
The last amazing ‘thing’ some of us like to unashamedly do when bolloxed is the whole crying thing. Granted this is mainly done by females as we all like a drama. If the night is a slow one… the best thing to do is request Luther Vandross ‘Dance With My Father’ or some other wrist cutting classic, and then break out the tears. This is when you start to realise your life sucks, you hate your job and… oh wait… let me text my ex and profess my undying love! Why would you do this… nothing but a whole wealth of pain will be returned to you… tenfold… the morning after. Leave your phone at home, go grab a dirty kebab and chat to a random on the night bus home. You are better than this!
So yeah… drinking. It’s what makes my world go round. Does it make me a piss head… probably. Do I often use it as a form of escapism from my tired life… no doubt. Do I need to check into rehab… again… no no no!