Everybody's Free (To Eat Potato Waffles)


Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of 2011.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, potato waffles would be it. The long term benefits of potato waffles are massively unfounded just like the rest of my advice which is solely based on my own meandering experience…I will verbally vomit this advice… now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh fuck it. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until you’re old and fugly. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos tagged of yourself on Facebook and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how many drunken nights and over indulgence lay before you and how shit hot gorgeous you really looked.

You’re probably as fat as you imagine. But you can always take up an eating disorder or neck some diet pills to sort your rotund ass out. Ideally don’t worry about the future; but we’re all human and so you know you’re gonna do it anyways. Granted worrying is as effective as trying to work from home whilst watching Jeremy Kyle… and the real troubles in your life will be the shit you never even thought of; the kind that pops into your head when you are trying to sleep at night and ruins your entire week.

Do one thing everyday that scares the crap out of you. Laugh. Don’t take advantage of other people’s hearts, and don’t put up with people who break yours for sport. Scream. Don’t play the jealous game; sometimes you’re up there buzzing with the best of them, sometimes you’re down wanting to end it all… The race is long and in the end, it’s only with yourself. Remember the good vibes you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this you’re technically a massive liar!

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements and the new ones if you like as bills kinda suck and ignorance is bliss. Jump. Don’t feel bad if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most fabulous folk I know didn’t know at 28 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most fabulous 40 year olds I know still haven’t got a Scooby! Get plenty of sex. Ladies be kind to your boobs, you’ll miss them when they’re off swinging around your ankles! Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll wise up and divorce your cheating skank of a partner at 40, maybe you’ll do the running man on your 75th wedding anniversary… and maybe I just don’t care! BUT whatever you do, don’t big yourself up too much or put yourself down either – your choices are always gonna be 50-50 and so are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your hot body before looking in a mirror makes you cry everyday, and use it every way you can… don’t be afraid of it, (pretty sure it’s supposed to look that way) or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own. Shake your ass… even if you have nowhere to do it but in your bedroom. Read the directions, even if they’re printed in Japanese. Do NOT read Heat magazine, it will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be out of your life forever. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to bail you out when you get arrested. Try to understand that friends come and go, but for those special few you should hold on to. Put a little effort into going to new places and experiencing different cultures, because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were a youth. Live in London once, but leave before it turns you into a pretentious dickhead; live in Dublin once, but don’t leave until you make a drunken holy show of yourself in public!

Travel. Accept the fact that shit happens… a lot, prices will rise, politicians will lie, and you too will get old, and when you do you’ll romanticize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians had a backbone and children respected their elders. Respect your elders. Learn to look after yourself. Don’t expect anyone else to have your back. Maybe you have a savings account, maybe you have a rich lover; but you never know when either one might run out. Don’t fuck too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85. Be wary of whose advice you greedily inhale like a class A substance, but be patient with those who like to throw it out there. Advice is a form of nostalgia, counting up your shoulda woulda couldas, plucking past experiences from the bin, sellotaping it back together, and trying to flog it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the potato waffles…

Tis the season to be skint.

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