Black Hair


It’s Black History Month and being Black I figured I needed to represent, throw my fist in the air and start chanting ‘we shall not be moved’ reminiscent of ‘my people’ who endured the struggle. BUT I figured that is a lot of effort right now when all I wanna do is throw my hands in the air and start chanting ‘drink don’t think!’ as I get my Friday happy face on! I’m all for showing huge amount of respect to some of my all-time heroes like Dr Martin Luther King and praising the fabulous written word of Maya Angelou, but what I feel is a hot topic right now is Black people’s hair or more specifically Black girls hair and the ridiculous lengths we go to in order to look ‘beautiful’.

Right now I am sporting an afro of sorts with half of it shaven of which I do myself with my father’s blunt hair clippers, or as I resorted to a couple of weeks ago… my best mates hair trimmer he uses on his pubes! But alas I didn’t always have such amazingly shit hair… I did what a lot of young Black girls did and fucked with it so much that it never actually had the chance to breathe! Black women are ALL about hair. My auntie who is a hairdresser would often say that if your hair looks good… then nothing else matters. What a load of shit!

One of the most popular styles young Black girls wear is the simple relaxer. This is when you use a chemical based cream with enough toxic shit in to strip your clogged drain pipes, to straighten your hair. The last time my mother used a relaxer on her hair... it all fell out and she had to wear a wig until it grew back! But I digress... So forget the GHDs… the hair relaxer does it for you and should last for about a month or so. Black females seem to be obsessed with wanting straight Caucasian hair instead of embracing their natural hair… and I too got caught up in this. If I saw one curl in my head… that bastard was gonna get chemically smashed and straightened within an inch of its life! Having afro hair just wasn’t cool… and if I was to look good AND get a boyfriend (yes laugh it up!) I needed to apparently be as far away from my own identity as possible.

Next came the braids. I had braids of all shapes colours and sizes for years in my teens all the way into my mid 20s and yes they looked fly… and yes they required no effort…  but they would take 8 – 9 hours to put in AND take out again! Some of my friends have urged me to put them back in and maybe one day I will… but right now that is not happening.

The ultimate hair madness born from the Black woman’s vision to look like a twat, is the weave! And why can’t people say ‘weave’ without snapping their fingers and waving their hand in a fantastic diva like fashion channelling the persona of some Black chick called LaQuonda!! But I digress… I too rocked the weave and it was ridiculous. I remember turning up at my mate’s house after I got it sewn to my friggin head and he just stared at me and said I looked like Shaznay Lewis from crap girl band All Saints!! Cheers.  Some Black women take the weave to another level though… beyond the realms of sanity. I clocked this woman last weekend that was about 50 something and looked like a crack whore… and she was rocking this horrendous pink outfit with matching bubble gum pink weave! Now the only person at the moment who can get away with that is Nicki Minaj because she's nuts… and this old bird was no Minaj... just straight up nuts.

I just don’t get it. Just because Black women can now change their hairstyle like their underwear, why do they still insist on looking like a tranny?! Look, we’ve all had a little bit to drink… but no amount of alcohol excuses the need to try an imitate Beyoncé… because you ain’ts no Mrs Jay-Z! It is also really obvious that your hair is fake and this just isn’t attractive. I’m not saying because I’m all natural these days it makes me a true ‘sista’… but embracing and accepting your natural style is far more beautiful to me than trying to be something you’re not. That’s all I’m saying…


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