Pretty People Make Me Sick.


I was in Australia a few weeks ago seeing my buddy and I felt like I was on the set of friggin’ Home and Away! We were based near Bondi Beach and there were so many hotties that I was even salivating over the dudes as I people watched, questioning my sexuality sinking my 37th pint of fruit beer. As I perved ever so ungracefully and massively obvious at the bikini clad beauties walking past, I couldn’t help but get seriously pissed off. Hot people are arse holes. This isn’t because I’m bitter… it’s just a fact! They infuriate me because they look gorgeous and in turn make me feel as sexy as Pat Butcher from Eastenders! And don’t even get me started on the beautiful creatures who don’t realise they are insanely gorgeous! Furious.

I don’t wanna hear the crap of ‘beauty is skin deep’ and it’s all about personality… no! That’s complete bollox. Beauty is highly superficial and if you look hot as hell… then honey you is gonna get all the attention/inappropriate touching… and let’s be honest… we all need that kind of attention to feel good about ourselves right?! So as a wee experiment as I was people watching, I figured I would strut like a sexy ass bitch across to the bar to see what would happen. (You know when you say you're going to do something 'for a laugh' but if the outcome is bad you tend to want to kill yourself due to sheer embarrassment... yeah something like that!) So I stood up, sucked my 25 rolls of fat neatly into my jeans… stuck my double delicious breasts out and worked the floor like a flamboyant drag queen. And what happened my fine friends… fuck all! Humiliated as not one mother sucker checked me out… and the group of fat rugby lads pointing at me and laughing over my hair didn’t count. So I slumped away to the toilets and cried into a hand towel. (I clearly didn’t… I just walked back to our table and carried on drinking. It wasn’t actually a big deal.)

My point is however… you either got it… or you don’t. And whereas I may resort to wooing fine fillies with my incredible wit and odd attire… some guys and gals just have to do nothing at all except stand still while hordes of crazed folk wanting to get laid throw themselves at them. It ain’t fair damn it. Pretty people make average folk feel inadequate and rubbish. Mother nature must’ve been taking the piss when she blessed some individuals with the sexy gene and others with the fugly gene.

One other thing that amuses me is when people say that ‘it’s not all about looks’ when we all know to a certain HUGE extent… it bloody well is! When you see a person for the first time you are met with their face, their body shape and basically how they carry themself. You make a judgement there and then as to where the next few moments of this meeting lead and how you conduct yourself. If they’re hot you may tend to lose all your shit and struggle forming coherent sentences due to mad drooling and inappropriate thoughts of high jinks sexual positions you would like to try with them if this meeting goes well… and if they aint all that… you may just smile nervously and walk in the opposite direction. It is only after talking to them can you really then chat about their personality and their sense of humour if they have one. Just be honest… you looked at me and thought ‘what the fuck is that?!’ until you realised I am pure sex… after I may have stalked you for a few months!

Gorgeous people need to just not stand next to me… mainly because I am quite likely to hit you with a blunt object. Average people need to get laid too ya know and hanging with hotties hinders this somewhat. (Well that’s what my ugly friends say to my hot ass!) So go and be pretty elsewhere and quit ruining my life… or words to that overly dramatic effect.

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