Wedding Song

Ok I have no intentions to get married unless I’m subjected to some Jedi mind trickery forcing me to embrace the wonderfulness of ruining your life… or if I get beaten into it by some racist gypsy who romantically seduces me with domestic violence and sexual assault for a sweet life in a caravan. However, this said, I totally have my wedding song planned… I am a girl after all… this was programmed into us ever since we were handed our first Barbie doll. Granted I used to make mine do naughty things to each other and I preferred my brother’s Action Men… but I too have thought about my wedding circus.

Girly girls tend to sit around talking about their 'big day' as the rest of us who prefer to watch porn for entertainment sit back and nod whilst secretly thinking the obvious... "Your wedding sounds shit. My wedding will be better."

I did think I would want a small gathering of close friends and family… but this is already flawed due to the “Shem loves drama Act 1982” This age old law states that small intimate parties clash with the fact that there aint no party like an S Club Party! So it’s all glitz, glamour and drag queens. I refuse to take the sacred union of 2 people seriously… so if I can mock all proceedings with hosting an event that looks like a flamboyant gay guy has shit rainbows everywhere… then it’s a winner.

Forget the venue, forget the dress and forget the cake. It’s all about the music baby… well it’s all about the wedding song… the one you walk down the aisle to… well in my case, roller skate down. (Has to be roller skates.) My wedding march song is a toss-up between the titled track from ‘Fame’ or Tina Turner’s ‘Proud Mary’. There will be dancing and there will be sparkly shoes. This is as far as I have got with the wedding prep… and to be fair this is as far as I ever will get. Depending on the ever so slightly psychotic individual who wishes to give me a Chinese burn in order to make me say ‘I do’, then the rest I assume will fall into place.

So will I marry for love… probably not. Will I marry for a ridiculous lavish knees up… hell yes.


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