I'm not your average girl from a video...

I have never been a hottie and I have no expectations to aspire to be some 'hot piece of ass' as my Irish buddy Phil would say. I have cartoon like features. Fluffy uncontrollable hair, ridiculous oversized glasses, fat lips, tits that get me into trouble, an unhealthy addiction to anything burger related, and a round brown belly that quite literally wobbles like a plate of jelly. Now don't get me wrong this post isn't a 'Shem fishing for compliments' kind of bullshit self abuse so please do not feel the need to wildly pet my ego. Basically my motivation for this piece stems from a conversation I overheard t'other day in a card shop in town between two female school kids of the approx age of 14. Granted I shouldn't have been eavesdropping but it was either listen to their conversation or my mother banging on about buying my brother an anniversary card. My bro has been married 21 seconds and like he is gonna give a shit whether you buy the pink card with claustropobic flowers or the card with the two care bear-like 'sweet' images. ZZzzzzz! Exactly.

Anyways I digress...

The two school girls were talking about their weight and how they need to hit the gym as they weigh too much. I wanted to walk over and smash them around the face with the inflatable helium 'Happy 1st Anniversary' balloon I seem to have been holding. These girls were less than size zero clearly at the stage where their bodies were still developing and they were going on like they were fatty boom booms. Outrageous.

Why do girls in particular have so many self image issues. We're fucking mental I tell thee! The other morning I woke up getting ready for some nonsense called work, and my hair just 'wouldn't go'! I have part shaved head part afro... of course my bloody hair is never 'going to go'! But instead of embracing the fact that I was being a hormonal piece of twat, I decided to get in the biggest mood and wrote the day off as an 'ugly day'. Clap clap Shembo you have turned into the type of girl you detest.

Now I'm no super model. I do not get stopped in the street, I rarely get chatted up in a bar (unless it's by an 18yr old called 'Treasure'!) and I rely heavily on my often drunken dancing (I'm Black. It's a given I can dance amazingly even when under the influence) and oh so witty banter to attract potential suitors. However I enjoy the fact that I often look like a car crash! I work with what I got and as long as I'm having a good time, I couldn't give a flying f*ck if you fancy me or not. My body is far from perfect and yes I rock too many pounds and scoff too many cakes, but that doesn't mean I am going to drink Diet Coke/prune juice, snack on nasty muesli or stick my fingers down my throat and indulge in a trendy eating disorder! I wear loud obscene t-shirts and baggy jeans so don't expect to see me in any form of the cool kid wearing skinny jean brigade... I love Zinger Tower burgers from KFC and if my beverage aint full fat then I'm not interested. (oh my God I'm going to die of a heart attack before I hit 30!)

Yes I am always going to have ugly days. I am a girl after all! We like to create drama and pick at things until we cry...or make other people cry! I blame Mother Nature. Bitch. All i am saying is that some ladies need to get a grip. The most attractive trait I find in any person is those who have the confidence to scream "I am freak and I love it!" or words to that effect. Stop stressing about the superficial garbage, stop staring at fellow ladies with disgust if they look different to you and stop checking out the back of food products trying to decipher the calorie count! All those numbers and symbols mean jack shit when you are happy with just being you. (Well unless you make it onto those Channel 4 'shock doc' programs where you have to be lifted out of your house by a crane, then I suggest you get your fat ass to the gym asap!)

…Who’s The Fairest Of Them All?

So riddle me this if you think you are clever

Come on stand up straight we can yell it together

Oh so now you go quiet, don’t act like you don’t know

You’re going to stand there eye ball me watching my obsession overflow

The answer is burning on the tip of your tongue

Don’t leave me hanging you asshole, this shit is no fun

Oh forgive me I’m sorry, is my manner too abrupt?

Well tell someone who cares; I’m counting to three you little shmuck!

A smile I see, who do you think you are

Don’t pull that crap with me baby, you aint no superstar

Ah, I see where you’re going, you want me to begin

By explaining this mess I’ve got myself in.

What a ridiculous notion, are you mocking my plight?

If I knew where to start I may be able to finish this fight

But here I stand angry just waiting for you-

To throw out the solution or perhaps a clue.




Self pity blah blah, turn that music up higher.

All I want is an answer as I stare into the glass

My focus slips down as I notice my fat ass!

Who the hell are you as you mimic my pose

It’s getting too much as my vexation explodes

BUT at last I see through the intensity of your eyes

As the riddle is revealed to my great surprise.


You are who you are and to decipher is a crime,

To examine oneself fully is a waste of my time

So stop looking in this reflector trying to pin point what’s not there

Save your irritating issues for Trisha or some shrink who’s paid to care!

LOVE until it hurts, CRY when it hurts, LAUGH until you burst and TRY when nothing works.

Utilise this formula wisely as a life long plan

Until you can look back into this mirror and encounter your number one fan.”

Book Review: Eat, Pray, Love

Bunnies... Bunnies... it must be BUNNNIES!