"Calm down we've all had a bit to drink..."

Ok seriously. I don't get it. When I hang out with my friends and we usually end up crashing at someone's house too lazy/skint/both to venture to an actual pub, some muppet always says "let's play drinking games!" and as if from nowhere like this nonsense was pre-planned... they pull a pack of cards, a blindfold and Twister from their bag/wallet/arse hole. Now I'm all for drinking until you fall over or embarrassing yourself to the point of no return, however I am not a fan of complicating the ancient art of getting drunk.

The only game I can just about manage without getting a strop on declaring "I'm not playing anymore" is Fuzzy Duck. I like this game because it is easy, requires no effort and I'm usually wrecked within the first round of the game. It is when the playing cards get drawn out and before you know it there are hardcore rules and I'm trying to remember my GCSE maths of Pythagoras Theory to avoid drinking a dirty pint with red wine, vodka, beer and curdled irish cream. Plus there is always some stupid bint who takes the game too seriously erupting into a fabulous diva styled mood to even rival Whitney 'Crack is Whack' Houston if someone attempts to childishly sabotage the game.

I'm just a simple girl who enjoys simple things. I like crayons. I like made up words. I like things that make no sense. I also like laughing at the stupid bints who take drinking games too seriously and ruin it for us folk who just wanna get drunk without restrictions and rules... 


All in favour of getting wasted raise your hand and count to three,

While desperately thinking of some famous unknown whose name begins with B.

No wait before you say the name you gotta turn over the card,

Come on quick, add up all our ages divide by 8 this shit aint hard!

Now just before you calculate shout ‘fuzzy duck’ only to the left,

Get up pour some drink into the middle, awaiting another test.

I’m wondering if there’s any danger we can do something so crazy,

Like picking up a drink to drink it, if you wanna call me lazy.

With games you always get that one who really wants to win,

Gets moody with those who can’t be arsed throwing fun straight into the bin.

Why so many rules to complicate the art of getting drunk?

It’s like giving James Brown instructions to perfect the art of funk!

Unless the rules are simple like stand up to see if you fall,

I’d rather just merrily get drinking until I can’t stand but merely crawl!

A phone advert? Soft porn? Outrageously genius?... or just a bit crap?

Snowflakes in my 'fro!