Growing up is really really rubbish.

So it was my birthday last week and I’m nearing 30… as I near closer to the edge of a train platform ready to lob myself off… pissing off thousands of London commuters. Weeee! How is it possible that I got so old damn it! My hangovers last for a week now! It’s crap. I spent time with some buddies this weekend and all conversations were pretty much based on weddings and babies. Yes we all know how I feel about the ‘awesomeness’ of kids and marriage, but all talk of these subjects simply make me puke a little, grab an inhaler even though I don't have asthma... and wanna cling onto my youth that much more! We were sat in a pub and instead of drinking pints and sugary alcopops… we were sipping hot drinks! It’s the dreaded ‘Auntie Shem’ my friends like to throw my way when they are chatting to their kids about me which causes an allergic reaction. There is no doubt in my mind that I will be that special Auntie who teaches the kid their first swear word and gets them drunk at 12.

Although I maybe ‘getting on’ I still look like I’m 18 which is quite nice and sometimes odd. I continue to be asked for ID and enjoy arguments with dickheads at my local Tesco store who refuse to sell me a lottery ticket! As ‘they’ say… Black don’t crack... BUT I've gotta be "in it to win it" and how the hell do I not even look 16 you cocks!

My only consolation (when I try not to feel so shitty as my friends seem to be settling down and I seem to have an attention span of a new born child with a telly remote control for a toy) is that I will be looking 30 when I hit 50, when all you parents with 28 kids and a mortgage will look crusty as hell! Winner!

I love being young enough to dress like a student but old enough to know better… and still do and say the wrong thing 98% of the time (the other 2% of the time I merely pretend I’m listening) Oh it’s all a learning curve right… and I’m still trying to figure stuff out. Kids, marriage, finding a place to call a home are just details which get in the way of me Forest Gumping my way to ‘the end’. I must pass go and I must collect £200… and then blow the lot on shit I don’t need but looks pretty.

Porn & Parents

Cake.